After leaving hospital, I decided that I would not let this anxiety and depression get the better of me!
I had let myself go over a period of months. My hair was awful and so long it was touching my hips. My face was full of spots because I was stressing over the smallest of things. My nails were bitten and jagged. I’d basically let myself go to a point where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
I decided to do something about it. Not for everyone else, but for myself. Maybe if I had tidied myself up, I would feel more confident to leave the house.
Although, it wasn’t that simple. To have my hair re-vamped, I would have to leave the house. Actually walk out my front door, get in the car and talk to other people. This absolutely petrified me.
What would I talk about? I had done absolutely nothing for the past few months! Would there be awkward silences? I would be totally lost.
It took me 2 whole weeks to pluck up the courage to call the hairdressers. Every time, I would type the number into my phone and just leave it there. Staring at it, as if it could read my mind.
Only by chance did I actually call them. My baby girl hit my phone as I finished typing and it started to ring. My heart hit the floor. Would I sound normal? Would I turn a normal situation in to utter chaos?
It was fine. They knew who I was instantly, and didn’t question why I hadn’t been for a while. They just booked me in, and that was that. I kind of felt a little deflated. Why had I worked myself up so much? Why couldn’t my brain just be normal. I thought this moment might make me feel more courageous for getting over a barrier. If anything, it made me feel worse. It made me realise that I was stressed over such minor things. Yet, I couldn’t change it. Why was I feeling this way? I was totally confused.
Anyway, I went to the hairdressers. I left the house two hours before my appointment, just so I’d make it in time. (My hairdressers is approx 10 mins away in the car) I was starting to build myself up by waiting around so much. But if I hadn’t left the house when I did, I would have ended up cancelling the appointment altogether.
I walked in and felt like everyone was staring at me. My heart sunk into the ground. I took a deep breath, and walked towards the comfy sofa in the corner.
Everyone said hi, and we’re asking about the baby. I felt like I was in a daze. Telling everyone lies about how it is all amazing, that I’m going out every day with friends etc. Basically, I lied through my teeth for the whole 3 hour appointment.
But.. that doesn’t matter. They didn’t know I was lying. All they saw was the usual chatty me. Again, that painted smile on my face fooled everyone. No one suspected a thing!
I got home with my new hair do, and it didn’t help all. I had built myself up to think that this venture to the hairdressers would change my outlook on everything. But it didn’t. If anything, it made me worse.
I closed myself off to everyone again, and didn’t want to be put in the position of lying about my life. The appointment had only made me worse. It took me all day to build up the courage to go, and yet I felt like it was worthless. I’d put so much pressure on this one occasion. It would obviously make me feel ‘normal’ and ‘happy’ again, right? It did not. I sobbed for hours at home questioning why I feel this way. Why am I so useless? Why is my partner putting up with this crazy person I have become? The one thought consuming my mind was the fact that I would let my daughter down at some point with my actions. And I was unable to control my emotions.
I stayed at home for the next few weeks. Unable to even open the front door.
I was back to square one! And I was starting to think I would never get out of this agonising spiral of emotions.