Living the routine life

Things started to heal, and I began to actually feel like a mother. I done everything! And this is where my depression started. I didn’t realise at the time that this was even considered as post-natal depression. When I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING! I fed her, washed her, put her to bed, woke up through the evening. Everything! I would not let anyone else even touch her. And if they did, my anxiety would skyrocket, and I’d have to take her back within five minutes. I kept telling myself, this is normal! I’ve just had a baby for goodness sake.

I felt overwhelming joy, every time I looked at her. It consumed my entire body. I burst into tears on a few occasions just because she is mine. My emotions were everywhere.

Again, I assumed this was ‘the baby blues’ part of post pregnancy. The midwife had told me that this was a natural thing. Hormones are returning back to normal and it usually lasts around 5-7 days after the baby is born.

I waited those 5-7 days, and prayed that I would feel okay. Prayed that I would get back to my chirpy, sarcastic self. But this never happened. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest every time I thought about leaving the house. I felt that when I did, everyone was staring at me, knowing I was too scared to hold my baby when she was born. I did not want to be put in that situation. So I stayed at home.

The midwifes had been a few times by this point. The baby was suffering with Jaundice. Apparently, this is common after a c-section birth. I never saw the same midwife throughout my pregnancy and post-birth, and didn’t really feel comfortable with talking ‘personal issues’ with a new person each time. So I just got on with it. As long as my baby girl was okay and healthy, I was okay. I painted that smile back on my face, and tried not to think about it.

When my partner went back to work, I started to get into a routine. Same things, ever week. Even down to what we were eating. I done the washing on specific days, cleaned the kitchen on a specific day, hoovered the living room on a specific day. Everything had it’s place. The only time I left the house was to visit my parents. Although, most of the time they came to my home.

As long as I had my routine, I was okay. Although, I still felt the anxiety rushing over me if someone knocked the door unexpectedly. Or the depression if my plans had changed last minute.

Looking back, this is how I controlled my feelings. I didn’t have to feel anxious or depressed if I knew exactly what was happening each day. But this is not the way to live your life. Imagine having the same meal every single day? Crazy right. Well, that’s how I felt. Crazy. Stuck in my own brain with thoughts I couldn’t control.

This was the start of my depression and anxiety getting worse, and I didn’t even realise. I thought I was okay.

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8 thoughts on “Living the routine life

  1. This is a very raw and personal subject – but I’m so glad that you are finding an outlet to talk about it. Just know that you are not alone! Great post – keep sharing! – Morgan http://www.mommyaboveall.com

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A topic that many new mothers face. My own mum faced the same issue and through time and help she made it through. Writing things down is always so helpful for anxiety and depression. I wish you well in your journey, you’re doing amazing.

    Ellie’s Life xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 💕 A lot of people go through this. I just hope this shows people that they are not alone ❤️ xx

      Like

  3. It is good that you have found a way to express your feelings. It’s always good to talk your heart out. May it’s every new mum’s issue but while dealing it personally it needs lots of strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry to hear you struggled with this: thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I hope things continue to get better for you- and keep posting😀😀

    Like

  5. Thank you for sharing! It’s not easy to talk about anxiety, so I appreciate your honesty because I’m sure a lot of people are dealing with a similar situation and don’t want to talk about it. I hope writing is helping you heal!

    Like

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